I’m no longer ashamed to admit that I suffer from anxiety and depression. Lately, I’ve been feeling particularly out of sorts. I’ve been feeling lost, stressed, helpless, fearful, agitated, confused and most days, just downright miserable. Very unlike the person I was a few years ago. My physical well-being has suffered terribly, I’ve barely been able to focus and I’ve made some really poor decisions. Yesterday I had a terrible fight with someone I love and cherish deeply. Many harsh words were exchanged but since the argument, I feel something I haven’t felt in ages….clarity.
As easy as it is to blame other people for some of the mistakes I’ve made and the emotional stress I’ve been under, really, I blame myself for not trusting my instincts and sticking to my convictions. I opened up to the wrong people, isolated myself from the right ones and gave of my time to people who pretended to give a damn about me. I’ve since forgiven myself for these mistakes though. Of the decisions I’ve made over the past few weeks that have cost me my sanity and peace of mind, I finally made one that’s yielded a positive result. I broke free of something that’s been holding me back for ages. Sometimes in life you have to cut your losses and excise the metaphorical tumor that’s been sucking your life force. When something feels wrong, it probably is and the healthy thing to do is to step away from it. It’s better than lying to yourself that you’re OK with something when it’s clearly a source of so much pain. I’ve finally moved on and couldn’t be prouder of myself for it.
Say what you want about me but I always stand in my truth. I embrace my mistakes and always turn negative experiences into positive life lessons. I’m grateful to all those who have stood by me, believed in me and loved every bit of me. And I’m also grateful to the people who tried to bring me down and hurt me because even that has contributed positively to my personal growth. All the times I said no instead of yes, the times I stayed when I should have gone, the times I turned right instead of left…all of these decisions and experiences have made into the woman I am today. I have zero regrets.
Now that I’ve moved past the bullshit, I feel empowered and I’m ready to continue on my journey to achieving all that my heart desires. I’m refocusing my energy on the things that bring me joy and serenity. It’s been really rough but the immense relief I feel right now trumps all the negativity. As far as dealing with my anxiety and depression is concerned, I’m taking it one day at a time and living in hope that one day I will conquer it.
With one small step, I’ve taken several leaps forward. 2015 was a bad year for me but 2016 has been a slight improvement so far. With all the horrible stuff that’s happened I’m convinced that I can end this year on an epic note. No jinxes though. I’m still expecting the worst, but hoping for the best. A very cynical motto for some but it’s gotten me through some of the worst of times. I am in charge of my own happiness and I’m determined not to let anyone or anything get in the way of that.
If you’re reading this, first of all, thanks for visiting this page. Second, I hope you take some inspiration from this if you’re going through a tough time. I hope you find the strength to move on to better things. Don’t let other people hold you back from being the very best version of yourself. They’re not worth it but you are. Stand in your truth, embrace the learning experiences that come from the mistakes you’ve made and most importantly, never give up on yourself.